Is it possible to have twins of course


“Unfair” is my son Tiago's new favorite word. He uses it all the time. Because for him life is currently one thing above all else: injustice. “Unfair, Fabian has a slice more bread than me! Unfair, why am I not allowed to sit next to mom? Unfair, I wanted to take a bath first. "

Of course, I try to treat my twin boys as equally as possible. There are usually presents for both of them, ice cream anyway, and if I play a game of “Crazy Labyrinth” with Tiago, Fabian is of course entitled to an exclusive play unit just with me. But at some point I lose track of things. In order to be able to act absolutely fairly, I would have to keep a record of seating arrangements, who last wore the yellow Mickey Mouse shirt and when, and how many kisses I gave to whom. Little things that I have long forgotten are still very well known to my children. And if an imbalance emerges somewhere, the indignation does not take long: "Unfair!"

All families know that siblings compare themselves to one another. The situation is more extreme with twins. Two children, the same age, in our case also with the same gender, almost exclusively the same interests, playmates and preferences. Sometimes it is difficult not to see the two as a unit and to concentrate only on one child. How often do I catch myself not addressing Tiago and Fabian by their names, but simply shouting: "Friends, please clean up your room!"

On closer inspection, the two are quite different. They were born on the same day just a minute apart, but then the similarities quickly end. Tiago: dark haired, olive skin, brown eyes. And Fabian: light-skinned, blue-green eyes and with a blonde down on his head. It was less than two nights and my husband and I could recognize them by the sound of their screaming. Most of the time it was Fabian who screamed anyway. At the age of three months, Tiago had already slept eight hours straight. His brother, on the other hand, woke up every four hours when he was three years old. At the age of eleven months, Fabian was already tripping through the apartment and shouting "Tor", while Tiago took his first steps more than six months later at the age of 18 months. Fabian took off his diaper when he was two and a half, Tiago only six months later. Of course, he went through the same toilet training (a terrible word!) As his brother, but it just didn't work out. When Tiago was three years old, he said to me one morning: "Mom, I don't want pampers today, I want underpants." From then on, the subject was settled. He just decided to go to the bathroom. What you can read about child development in every book has proven to be true for us: Every child has its own pace.

As long as the children do not notice the differences, everything is fine. It becomes difficult, for example, when your brother of the same age can ride a bike better than you are. Fabian is already cycling pretty well. The 16-inch children's bike is now much too small for him. Actually, we just wanted to see at the weekend whether he might already be ready for a 20-inch bike with gear shift and without stepping back. Before we knew it, we were already at the checkout with a super cool, big boys' bike. Fabian could hardly believe his luck and beamed as if we had just told him that from now on there will be pancakes for breakfast every day. His brother Tiago, on the other hand, looked like Brussels sprouts. "Unfair, why does Fabian get a new bike and I don't?"

Of course, Tiago was also allowed to try a large bike. But although he is just as tall as his brother, he still dangles very unsteadily through the area on two wheels. There is still no point in buying him a bigger one. But explain that to a five-year-old. So can I expect him to go away empty-handed this time and put him off that he'll get a new bike as soon as he can ride it? I think so. What's more, I think it's even important that twins also experience that they don't always get the same thing. It is no different with “normal” siblings. At least most of the time. But I've also often experienced the situation that on the birthday or when the big brother starts school, the little sister is given a present so that she is not disappointed or sad. Does it have to be that way? I don't think so.

Now the impression could arise that Fabian is so much further and that his brother is in his shadow and has to back off. Fortunately, this is not the case. Yes, Tiago has always been a bit after his brother in all motor development steps, but he is cognitively further. Sometimes I am amazed at his thoughts and conclusions about the world, life and even death. He knows what he wants and is not so easily thrown off the mark. If, on the other hand, I ask Fabian which types of ice cream he would like to have in his waffle, he replies with a counter-question: “What does the Tiago want?” This is the case with many things. “Does the Tiago want to play football too? Which T-shirt is the Tiago on today? ”And so on and so forth.

Precisely because he wants to do everything just like his twin brother, we are planning to put them both in two separate classes next year. It will certainly not be easy. I would probably save myself a lot of stress and organization if Fabian and Tiago went to the same class. But it is certainly better for their development. So they are not perceived as the "twins" from the start, but as two individuals. They should be able to make friends, develop hobbies and learn independently of one another. And at some point in the not too distant future it will be Tiago and Fabian, two brothers and not: the twins.

We still have a little time until then. One or the other development talk at the daycare center is still pending. Of course, I will also seek advice from the educators here. So that the incision doesn't get too big, my husband and I always resolve to do things separately with the children and to let them have their own, individual experiences.

It starts with an exclusive ice cream or bike ride with dad and ends with a play date for just one twin. Most of the time, Tiago and Fabian are of course invited to play together. But that doesn't happen all too often. Because if you invite two more to your own child's home, the booth is not only full, but also upside down in no time at all. As Andy Warhol once said so aptly: "One is company, two are a crowd and three are a party."

With three children, whether you like it or not, there is usually a dynamic that is difficult to break. At the beginning, everyone still plays in a cozy three-way relationship, but there comes a moment when the mood changes and two team up against the other. Here, too, I would like my two boys to have the valuable experience of a two-way friendship. On the other hand: Of course, they found them a long time ago.

Keywords: school enrollment, family, family life, friends, siblings, child frustration
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Why twins should be separated from time to time

By Anneli Pereira

All families know that siblings compare themselves to one another. The situation is more extreme with twins. How do you deal with the competition?

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