How often do beliefs disappoint
Your weekly break in the mailbox
These beliefs make you doubt your partnership
Crucial here are the beliefs we've learned about men, women, and relationships. See if you recognize any of these beliefs.
1) I'm not lovable / I don't deserve this partner at all
This belief is the most important and therefore it is right at the beginning. Because it is often the key to an unwanted single existence or an unhappy relationship.
You often learned not to be lovable in your childhood. For example, that other children were favored, that you were generally neglected, or that you were only praised for having achieved something.
If a child has had several such experiences, it is imprinted on him: "I am worth less than my brother" or "I am only interesting when I perform well" or "I always have to be considerate, otherwise I will not be loved." And these beliefs can shape a whole life.
I know numerous people (mostly women, by the way) who are convinced that they have to make themselves interesting for others, that they must not have faults and that they are not loved for what they are, but rather for what Do you.
Hand on heart, do you feel like you are worthy of having a good relationship?
If you also secretly think of yourself as being unlovable, you should work on challenging those beliefs. Get a lot of feedback from friends without doubting it again.
Every day, write down at least 3 reasons why you are a lovable person.
Sometimes such beliefs run deep. In this case, good coaching or psychotherapy will be able to help you.
2) He / she is not interested in me at all and just wants to take advantage of me
The second belief may be directly related to the first - if I believe that I am not lovable as a person, then it is not far to conclude that the partner is with me for some other reason.
But it can also be independent of it. You can definitely find yourself lovable and still be suspicious of your partner. For example, because you've heard time and time again that men only want one thing. That women are only after the money. That a marriage is only a community of convenience and often ends in separation or quarrel.
Especially if you heard such opinions early on, i.e. if you practically grew up with them, you will unintentionally keep looking for partners who correspond exactly to this image. And then keep being disappointed.
And even if you've actually managed to find a partner who is completely different, your beliefs about men or women can ruin your relationship. Because as soon as your partner behaves in the way you believe, a little voice goes off in your head: "Aha, I knew it!" Even if he is completely different a hundred times more often.
What image of men and women did you get conveyed as a child and as a teenager?
Question this over and over again. Because there is not just one type of man, one type of woman. But many different personalities and characters. And whenever you find typical “male or female behavior” in your partner, make yourself aware of how often he does NOT show this and how much good there is in your relationship.
3) Everything fits in a good relationship
With this belief you will likely look for a partner for a long time and end relationships over and over again. Because it's a far too idealistic picture. It would mean that your partner is ticking exactly the way you want them to be on every, really every issue.
Even if there are now over 7 billion people in this world, it is still very unlikely that there is such a person who completely corresponds to you in all areas. Not even you can cope with yourself at all times.
When you believe that a relationship has to be perfect, you will start looking for mistakes. And every little disagreement, every insignificant disagreement then leads to you questioning the relationship and doubting it.
That puts a strain on you and, above all, on the partnership. Because even if you want to keep the doubts a secret from your partner, he will probably notice and at least sense that something is wrong.
Are you one of those people who think of separation when you hear the tube of toothpaste lying around?
If you find yourself stumbling over the little things and then disappointed, ask yourself whether you have expectations of a partnership that are too high. Whether you expect your partner to be perfect.
Screw down expectations that are too high. And if there is something that really annoys you over and over again, bring it up and find a solution together.
4) In a good relationship, you do everything together
Of course you want to spend time together in a partnership. And shared experiences provide a topic of conversation and have a connecting effect.
But if you have the right to do everything together, it becomes stressful. What if your partner doesn't like to go swimming, but you do? What if you are a sociable person, but the other person would like to be to himself from time to time?
The most common points of contention arise
- Deviating holiday ideas ("adventurer" versus "it's best at home")
- Different social needs "Lots of partying" versus "I prefer to spend time with myself"
- Different living ideas or sleeping habits
And the more you bend for the other and do without something or join in for the sake of the other, the more you get the feeling that you are investing too much. The more you may long for the freedom of your single time.
In addition, you then have a lot of material for many disputes: "You always have ..." "Because of you, I have to ..." And everyone has the feeling that they have to make more compromises and give up more than their partners.
Therefore, none of this has to be the case if you can achieve a good mix of “things we do together” and “things we do separately”.
Do you also feel restricted in your relationship at times?
Then talk to your partner about it. Explain to Him what you are missing and how important it is to you. Then consider together in which areas it is nice not just to hang together.
5) In a good relationship, you don't argue
This belief is like assuming that everything is perfect in a good relationship. Most likely, your partner is not a clone of yours. That means he just has to have a different opinion in some areas.
If you are of the opinion that an argument is an indication of poor relationship quality, you have a problem: Either you avoid dealing with your partner and thereby risk not being yourself in the relationship anymore, or you will doubt your relationship every time you quarrel.
Are you sometimes disappointed that your partner thinks very differently from you? Are you trying to avoid conflicts?
It is not crucial that you agree with your partner in all areas (as I said, that would also be very unlikely), but rather HOW you argue is important for a good relationship. Namely, by openly expressing your opinion and your needs, respecting the other's opinion and working together to find a solution with which both are satisfied.
In the next articles I will tell you how to develop a good culture of argument.
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